There's No One Left I Love
by lilworkerb
Summary: The story of Johanna Mason


"Don't go in there. The birds-" Katniss says.

I stare into the big grey eyes of the sniveling girl in front of me. THIS is the Mockingjay? This frail creature? I can't believe I'm going through so much to keep this girl alive! I have a right mind to slap her across the face again. "Girl on fire," HA! But, I guess I do feel bad for her. I was once as innocent as she is now. Maybe that's what bothers me, I don't know. All I know right now... is that I want her hands off of me.

"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you," I say. "There's no one left I love." She's still grasping my hand -as if she really cares- so I shake her off, and stomp into the woods for water.

Along with a few shells, I carry the basket Mags made before they lost her in the fog. Poor Finnick. Mags was all he had left. Although there has never been anything romantic between us -well except for that one time, but that was before he met Annie- we have always been there for each other. We both share the same story, as do all of the other victors. I find the tree they were tapping, and as I watch the basket fill, I think about my words again.

"They can't hurt me. I'm not like the rest of you. There's no one left I love."

Those words weren't always true. Its not wise or even sane to let my mind wander in a place like this, but as I watch the basket fill with water, my mind can't help but travel back in time, and I can't help but go with it...

~I see myself, but not as the image should be, the face I see staring at me from the mirror is backwards. How fitting. I don't want to look at the reflection of this stranger anymore. I want to see the tiny girl with the axe, chopping down trees with her older brother. Not the muscular creature who used the axe to chop down opponents. Its only been a few days since my time in the arena, but it seems like years ago. I still can't bring myself to believe that I won. Guilt twists its way around in my stomach at the thought of all of the horrible things I did in that arena. How could such a terrible person like me win? Well, the worst people usually do. On the bright side, at least my name is out of the reaping for good, I'll never have to face another arena again.

I've gone through the interviews, the shows, the parties. Now all that stands between me and District 7 is this train ride. I step away from the window, and climb into a chair to watch the scenery roll by as I fall asleep. I'm awaken by the screech of the brakes. The train has stopped, which can mean only one thing. Home! I race to the exit, ignoring my irritating escort from the capitol as she tries to make me act like a lady once more for the cameras. As soon as the door opens, I wish I had listened. There are cameras everywhere! But then I see them.

My mother's wide smile, my brother's teary eyes, my father's wide arms. I can't stop myself from running into them. I haven't been held in seemingly forever. We stand there huddled together weeping while the cameras capture the reunion. They take me home, but we don't talk about the arena. They saw everything happen on TV, and I was there. We don't need a recap. After dinner, I let my mother tuck me into bed like a child. As she does though, I notice the tears steaming down her face, and I wrap my arms around her as tightly as I can.

"I'm still me," I tell her. But that's not true at all, and we both know it.

I only hope they aren't afraid of me after seeing the things I did to those other children in the arena. The beautiful girl from District 1. The boy from 6 that I got while he was asleep. Lucas, my fellow District 7 tribute. The twelve-year-old boy with the blue eyes... Whatever bad things that happen to me, I'm sure I deserve all of them. My mother kisses me goodnight and I'm left, yet again, to face the nightmares on my own.

I wake up the next morning rested surprisingly well. I know I don't have to, but I plan on going to school anyway. I just want things to feel normal again. As soon as I make it there though, I wish I had stayed home. Stayed in the arena even, just to avoid the looks I'm getting. For a moment I wonder why, but then I remember. Lucas. Everyone here knew him, and loved him. Even though he tried to kill me first, I had the upper hand. I'm the one to blame. I feel like a leper almost. There seems to be an invisible bubble around me that no one wants to step into. So at lunchtime, I'm surprised he sits next to me. Jacob Elm sits down without a word.

We used to sit together everyday before my time in the arena. He's not my boyfriend, but he could be if he wanted to. Outside of my family, he's the only person I like. And now, apparently he's the only other person in the District who likes me, who isn't afraid of me anyway. For a while I think things will be the same between us, but he doesn't even say a word to me. He doesn't look at me either. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes, so I get up to leave, but before I do, I feel his hand grab my own to keep me there. We sit through the rest of the lunch hour silently holding hands, but I can't handle staying the rest of the day, so I let him walk me home. He still hasn't let me go, and I don't see any reason to let him go, so I don't.~

The warm feeling of his hand in my own snaps me back to the present. As I watch the basket continue to fill with water, I think of Katniss grasping my hand. I guess I do feel bad for her, but she's just so- annoying. Maybe I hate her because she truly is better than me. When I killed in the arena, it was because I could. But when she killed, it was because she had to. Oh well... I let the memory pull me back under.

~It was my last and final night in my home with my family. Now, I was expected to move into the victors village. I know my family would be allowed to move in there with me, but they wouldn't. And I knew why. For a while, I thought things would be the same again. But my brother took me out to the lumber yard one day to work with him, and each time I raised my axe to strike the tree, he would cringe and fear would flash across his face. My mother and father don't talk to me like I'm a child anymore. More like a person convicted of a serious crime. Dangerous. They're afraid of me, even though they know I would never hurt them.

Jacob is the only one who still likes me. Well, no. He probably doesn't like me, he's just not afraid I'll chop him down like a tree. We don't talk much, but everyday he holds my hand as we walk home. Today, he is helping me move my things into the victors village. I was heartbroken at first when I found out my family wouldn't even help me, but then the pain faded and just left bitter feelings in its wake.

I flick on the light switch, and watch my new empty house brighten up. Tonight, I'll truly be alone for the first time, and all I can feel is anger. Jacob stays and helps me unpack though. He seems hesitant about leaving, but I can't figure out why, until he kisses me goodnight that is. I'm so startled by the kiss that I don't even say anything as I watch him leave. But a few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. Jacob.

"I'm sorry, about the kiss," he says. "And I'm sorry about how I've been treating you since you got back."

"Its ok, I understand. You saw me do horrible things. Your afraid of me now, everyone is," I say as my voice fades to a whisper. I expect him to leave, but instead he steps closer, and lifts my chin so I have to look at him.

"I'm not afraid you. Its just that... I thought I lost you. I didn't think you'd come back. I didn't realise that I thought of you as more than a friend until you came back, and I sat next to you in the lunchroom. I just don't want to lose you again, but I feel like that's going to happen anyway." After he says that, I blush, which is something I have never done.

"You won't lose me," I say pulling him into the house, my house. I can do what I want in my house, and I want him here.~

That memory jolts me back into the present. I smile to myself at the thought. Out of all of the awful things I had done, I still remained innocent in some ways up to that point. But, I was glad it was him, not... Now my smile fades. I remember seeing Katniss curled up in Peeta's arms while I stomped away from the beach. I guess I hate her for her innocence too. But mine was stolen...

~ It's the end of the victory tour. Last stop, The Capitol. I stare at myself in the mirror and watch as the tears stream down my cheeks, smearing my makeup. President Snow has made his demands all too clear. Tonight, at the banquet, I am to dance with Harold Rutherford. He is a weak, twenty-something, grody man. And after that... The presidents threats against my family bounce around in my head. If I don't do whatever I'm asked, basically, I can kiss them all goodbye.

I dance with Harold, and try to keep myself from gagging. It smells as if he poured an entire bottle of cologne onto his bathroom floor and rolled around in it. He leads me outside onto a balcony, and I'm distracted by the relief of fresh air. It takes me a moment to realise that we are alone... that is until he wraps his arms around me an plants a kiss on my lips. Again, I hear the threat.

"You'll do as you're told, or you can kiss your family goodbye."

But then I hear another voice, Jacob's, saying "I love you."

I pull away, and punch that grody man with so much force that I'm certain his nose is broken. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. The anxiety is working its way from my stomach and into my throat. For a moment I think I might vomit, but I make it back to my dressing room. What have I doe? Have I just killed my entire family? Will the president have them killed? No. They can't do that, they wouldn't. I'm overreacting, I say to myself. But in my heart, I know its a lie.

I make it home, and am relieved to tears because my family is alive. My mother and father greet me at the train station, my brother is safe at work. Fine everything is fine. After a long hug from my mother, I notice his absence.

"Where's Jacob?" I almost shout.

"...Last we saw him he was... Joanna what's wrong sweety?" My mother asks in a confused voice. I run as fast as my legs will carry me. Not fast enough. I make it to my house. Empty. His house, also empty. The town square, the lumber yard, the justice building... all empty. I double over in pain, wrapping my arms around myself, tears streaming down my cheeks. And then I see him. Jacob is standing right in front of me. I launch myself into his arms, so glad that he's alive. I know I'll never let him go again. I hear him asking what's wrong with me, but I ignore it. If I explain the fact that I thought he was dead, I'll have to explain Snow's threat. And I don't want to. He can't hurt them now, not with me here to protect them. So, I ignore his questions until he doesn't ask anymore, and just cling to him. Now I smile.

"Everything is alright," I finally allow myself to answer~

"Everything is alright" Those words haunt me to this very day. The basket is nearly full of water. I don't want to think about what happens next, but I do...

~Yesterday was its own form of torture, but its past. I pull on my jacket and head toward the lumber yard. As soon as I leave my house, I'm aware that something is wrong. People are running through the streets. The entire district is in a panic. I run for my parents house, and when I'm about a block away, I notice the thick cloud of smoke. When I make it to my old home, or should I say what's left of it, I catch sight of my brother. By the look on his face, I know what's happened. I know that they were inside. My mother and father are dead. And its my fault.

My brother throws his arms around me, and we cling to each other in desperation as we watch our whole world go up in smoke.~

That week my life ended. First, my parents were killed in the fire. Two days later, my brother was crushed by a falling tree. Maybe that's another reason I hate Katniss. She was able to save her family, and mine never stood a chance. But there's another reason...

~ This was my first year as a mentor in The Hunger Games. The girl I was mentoring didn't stand a chance, I knew that before we left the district. But despite her death, I can't think of anything outside of what happened while I was in the capitol. The flowers from the president for my "loss", but mostly his threat against the last person I care about. Jacob. I think of my reunion with Harold. I had to cooperate this time, not for my safety, but for Jacob. What I did was for him. I can't lose him too. I broke up with him to keep him safe. He knows I still love him. At least he is safe.~

Yes, Jacob is still safe. And so is his wife and children. He didn't wait for me. I don't hate him as much as I did, but I still can't forgive him. And THAT is my biggest reason for hating Katniss Everdeen. That blond boy on the beach reminds me so much of my Jacob, and what we had before it was stolen from us. Now all of that is all gone...

There is truly no one left I love.


End file.
